Rated PG-13 for intense adventure violence, and for brief language and sensuality.
Directed By: Luis Llosa
Written By: Hans Bauer and Jim Cash
Staring: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde, Owen Wilson, Kari Wuhrer, and Vincent Castellanos
Never look into the eyes of someone you kill, they will haunt you forever. I know. -Paul Sarone
“It’s almost like a warning.” For fricks sake, are you serious? Who could take that line seriously? “This skin is almost four years old, so it’s gotten even bigger.” Really? So THAT snake couldn’t have been dead and it couldn’t be something else that ate the captain? Seeeeeeeeeeeeriously . Seriously? Well Anaconda certainly doesn’t take itself seriously but part of it’s problem is it doesn’t take itself seriously at all. It period end of discussion simply doesn’t care. It was a film that was thrown together for the sole purpose of being put together. Anaconda belongs on my Worst Movies Of All Time list.
Eric Stoltz was right to sleep threw this whole movie. I admit to hating it on my first viewing, And on my second……….oh and my third. I guess I’m just not a fan of it, even though it now at least offers a reasonable amount of comedy. It’s not as though the vapid dialogue is enough or the fact that the not entirely “A” List cast doesn’t really captivate the screen, it’s really the tragic CGI that is painful to endure. Everything elses failures is secondary to the awful excuse for special effects snakes. They are so incredibly awful it’s difficult to even laugh at them.
Going into the theatre I doubt anyone was expecting spectacular from this movie, but it’s too bad to even be awesomely bad. It fails in every way of being interesting or entertaining and doesn’t even fall into the category of awesomely bad. It is just a wretched film from start to finish. A cheap and lame attempt to try andcapitalize on the ideal rather than invest any soul or depth to it whatsoever. It was any empty movie that didn’t save itself in any circumstances.
Do movies get worse than this? Not really, but somehow Anaconda is so bad, that if you only watch it on cable every few years, it can be one of the better comedies you’ve seen in a long time. Really the laughter is compensating for the portion of your life that is lost during the time spent wasting and watching it. If you don’t laugh, you more than likely won’t make it to the end. Not only do I not recommend this movie, I beg you not to ever to watch it for your own good.