Rated PG-13 for crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying.
Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi
Written and Directed by: Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer
Running Time: 9 million hours
I had to. After seeing the poster pop up at my theater and watching the trailer, I knew I was destined to watch Vampires Suck, the latest attempt at a parody by the infamous team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Sadly, it’s become a sort of addiction; every Friedberg/Seltzer movie that has come out, I have seen (Meet the Spartans I even saw twice…and the second time didn’t get me laid like I was hoping *sigh*). I know how bad they are…but it doesn’t stop me. Why? Simply put: I like the pain. Watching a Friedberg/Seltzer “comedy” is cinematic masochism at its absolute finest.
The most unfortunate thing is that the recent vampire craze actually makes great material that if in the right hands, could be a fun time at the theater. Stephanie Meyer’s books are jokes in and of themselves, and their cinematic equivalents not much better. Throw in some references to other vampire works, and boopity boop there you go. Although parodies have gotten a bad rap due to complete idiots and talentless hacks taking hold of the comedy subgenre, there is still potential to reach the heights of Airplane! and The Naked Gun series.
Vampires Suck isn’t one of them. It shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath. Hell, after this review, it should never be mentioned again. Filled with embarrassingly unfunny jokes and feeling like no thought was put into it whatsoever, this take on the Twilight series should be ashamed of itself for even existing. I get why it does though; Twihards and Twihaters will be drawn to this and since they have the money (and lack the brain), they will come to this. It will make the money and that’s the bottom line of Hollywood (and apparently Friedberg and Seltzer, who are either genius for getting rich off of horrible crap or are unaware just how pathetic and unfunny they are).
If you’ve seen a Friedberg/Seltzer movie in the past few years, you already know the kind of humor it’s going to contain: cultural references, product placement, someone getting hit (either by another person, or by being flung, or by being run over, etc.). Instead of actual jokes, the cultural references and product placement are supposed to be funny because they are brought up (in one scene, Edward showcases his new girlfriend Lady Gaga, who he is dating because she’s freaky. It’s funny because it’s Lady Gaga, GET IT?). Product placement is all around; Becca (the fake Bella) holds up a box of Count Chocula and that’s funny because it’s vampire cereal. Edward rides a Segway because Segways are apparently still funny in 2010 (I thought we got over this?). A vampire has the munchies, so his eventual victim gives him Cheetos (IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY ARE CHEETOS!). Loud screaming and farts take the place of actual well thought out jokes. To call this lazy comedy would make lazy comedy look bad in comparison. It’s pathetic, just straight pathetic.
The jokes are also outdated. Along with the Segway joke, there’s another where a group of high schoolers bust out into the Hustle. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know A SINGLE HIGH SCHOOLER who even knows how the song sounds, let alone how to do the actual dance. At least the “white people dancing and talking like gangsters” schtick has finally died down, so I’m happy for that, but seriously? THE HUSTLE?
Humor is subjective. It’s hard to review a comedy, because what is funny to one person is absolute pain to another. I feel confident though in saying that if you ARE NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT, then you’ll find Vampires Suck to be as painful as I did. If you have friends you see it with and they can’t stop laughing? Stop being their friends. Just…just stop. A sense of humor is something you look for in companions, and it’s obvious their sense of humor is either really pathetic or they are just laughing because they are pretending they have one. I hate being so mean about this, but Friedberg and Seltzer bring it upon themselves and they deserve it. They do. But they won’t listen, and they’ll keep ruining the parody sub-genre for future generations. And the saddest part? I’ll be there for every one…because I’m a cinematic masochist. Don’t be me.