Rated R for strong violence and gruesome images, language, some sexuality and nudity.
93 Minutes
Directed By: Carter Smith
Written By and Based on the Novel By: Scott B. Smith
Staring: Jena Malone, Laura Ramsey, Jonathon Tucker, Shawn Ashmore, Joe Anderson, Sergio Calderon, and Dimitri Baveas
We’re being quarantined here. We’re being kept here to die. -Amy
Review
Why is it so many romantic comedies would better serve in the horror genre and so many horror movies would better serve in the comedy genre? Twenty minutes into “The Ruins”, I was certain I had misread the synopsis, and misjudged the previews. This was clearly a laughing matter. Who would make something so ridiculous into a movie? I haven’t read the book so I’m not sure what terror plagued it, but it clearly wasn’t a stretch since the writer was also responsible for the tragic screenplay. What followed was surely terror, but not the kind one would anticipate.
The Ruins at least had what Deep Blue Sea lacked for me: an absolutely hysterical plot. Possessed or killer vines, YES VINES, are out to get the universe, but only the universe surrounding the mystic ruins of an ancient Mayan temple. The locals are aware of these vicious vines that are responsible for the disappearance of an unknown amount of tourists. These natives somehow prevent the spread of the vines expansion into their jungle. OK, so no Blob effect, it doesn’t get bigger with the more it eats, it just acquires more accessories and singing lessons. What a proactive killer jungle. Accessorizing while doing it’s killing, it’s nearly Project Runway.
The thinking part of my brain told me to hate everything about this movie, but like Lake Placid, I just found myself laughing too often at it’s sheer lunacy. There is very little plot developed for the nonsensical story, but if you accept their situation as even remotely conceivable, things only continue to get less plausible. When you think it can’t get more ridiculous, it simply does. In this conceived world these killer vines can be contained by an electric collar. The local tribe members are conveniently expert archers and marksmen, who are wise to the fact that carrying loads of salt will contain the vines in case the electrical collar doesn’t work. Americans are portrayed as moronic, and clearly 
lacking the need for clothing as everyone is mostly naked. If this doesn’t make a load of sense to you, it doesn’t get any clearer by watching the movie. These are the things I know of these “Ruins”, and I can’t convey it with anymore lucidity than that.
The Ruins turned out to be the best comedy, and worst horror film I’ve seen in a long time. I’m certain brains cells simply fried themselves from the exposure, which could explain why I laughed so much, but by the end of it’s short 93 minutes it’s pretty boring anyway. The corny ending allowed for a good slap across the forehead, with a disturbed shake of the head. I’m simply unsure how this concept got a green-light, but that’s why I’m writing from my laptop in Detroit instead of a suite in New York or Chicago. Chuckles or no, this was a bad one. The Verdict? Everything about this movie is stated in it’s title: RUIN
As poor as a rating as this got, I am 100% confident that it would be better than Feast 2:Sloppy Seconds, or Feast 3:Happy Endings. Ken and I didn’t even watch the 3rd movie. We just fast forwarded to all the awesome kill scenes and then went to bed early. Hahaha.
Your review makes me want to see it, if only for the fact that I love to laugh at cheesy B-horror films.
Lady Mew. A glass of wine and few friends and I assure you laughter would be inevitable, and it is short enough that it’s not like you feel like life is lost. But there is utterly nothing coherent about it whatsoever.
Thank you Heather, you have saved me from wasting my time with this one. I was going to add it to my queue on Netflix. I do not think I will watch it now.
It’s on FX and SyFy all the time anyway, so if you do want to waste away an afternoon, don’t spend a dollar on it at least!
I saw this movie recently myself on FX. This is absolutely dreadful and I can’t believe this was actually made into a movie. There is absolutely nothing that would make this a remotely scary movie. Vines eating people and acting like parrots? AHAHAHAH yea, I did have some good laughs myself.
Castor recently posted..
But it has Jena Malone! Surely she must redeem the thing a tad?
Simon/Ripley recently posted..Thoughts on Mother
I like Jena but no, this is completely irredeemable.
Castor recently posted..
Malone just proves that bad movies happen to good people.
True. She needs to get another stellar role before people forget her (she’s like the brunette Evan Rachel Wood).
Encore Entertainment recently posted..Loved Getting Wet Just Now- Blogathon
yes the movie is quite bad, however, the book is actually terrifying. It fleshes out the characters beyond broad college cliches and is quite an astounding read. As a huge horror fan, I would highly endorse reading it
Kloipy recently posted..The Whisper in the Classroom- Candyman
Well, as much as I love movies, I’m a bigger fan of books anyway, so maybe I’ll give the book a go.
I know the movie didn’t work for you but the book makes the idea plausible as it can be. It is an intense read (and a quick one) and one of the best horror novels to come out in the past 10 years.
Kloipy recently posted..The Whisper in the Classroom- Candyman
E-mail me your address Heather. I have it and can mail it to you if you want it!
Kai B. Parker recently posted..SCENES THAT KICK ASS 8- STEP UP 2 THE STREETS
PS. The guy that wrote the book also wrote A Simple Plan.
Kai B. Parker recently posted..SCENES THAT KICK ASS 8- STEP UP 2 THE STREETS
I will definitely Kai! And thank you!
Word! Just got my ass embarrassed on the Film Enigma BTW! haha
Kai B. Parker recently posted..SCENES THAT KICK ASS 8- STEP UP 2 THE STREETS
For once, I have to disagree with you, Heather… I know. Crazy, right?
I loved this film. You’re nuts but that’s why I heart ya!
Kai B. Parker recently posted..MILFcast aka- the Man- I Love Films podcast – Episode 4
You know nothing
Castor recently posted..
If I know nothing then I know something and your whole theory is rendered mute.
DAMN I just went all psychological and philosophocal on yo ass! Droppin’ Science!!!
Kai B. Parker recently posted..MILFcast aka- the Man- I Love Films podcast – Episode 4
Ahaha you wish
Castor recently posted..
Lake Placid has Betty White telling Brendan Gleeson to suck her cock. Ruins has nothing.
Fitz recently posted..
Good Form Fitz, good form.
Man this movie was awful. I felt bad for Malone and Ashmore halfway through. I thought the reason they have agents is to avoid crap like this.
CS recently posted..